Why We Fight When We’re Really Just Scared: A Somatic and Trauma-Informed Look at Conflict in Couples

“Why does a tiny comment turn into a huge fight?”
“Why do I shut down when I really want to connect?”
“Why do we keep missing each other, even when we love each other?”

If these questions feel familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves stuck in cycles of conflict, disconnection, or emotional withdrawal—not because they don’t care, but because their nervous systems are protecting them.

In trauma-informed and somatic couples therapy, we don’t just focus on communication patterns. We explore what’s happening in the body, what’s left unsaid, and what survival strategies may be unconsciously playing out.

Conflict Is Often a Nervous System Response, Not a Communication Problem

When we feel hurt, unseen, criticized, or rejected—especially if we’ve experienced relational trauma—our bodies may react before we even have time to think. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses can take over.

This might look like:

• Yelling, defensiveness, or sarcasm (fight)
• Withdrawing, shutting down, or walking away (flight/freeze)
• Over-apologizing, over-explaining, or trying to “fix” everything (fawn)

These patterns are often automatic and protective. They’re not flaws—they’re strategies we developed to survive earlier pain.

Trauma Loops in Relationships

For many couples, these reactions happen so quickly that they feel inevitable. But often, they’re part of a trauma loop:

1. One partner pulls away to self-regulate, which feels like abandonment to the other.
2. The other partner protests or escalates, which feels threatening to the first.
3. Both partners become more dysregulated.
4. No one feels safe enough to slow down, reflect, or reconnect.

When trauma is in the background—whether it’s attachment trauma, emotional neglect, or a history of abuse—these loops can become deeply entrenched. But with awareness and support, they can shift.

The Somatic Reframe: Your Body Remembers

The nervous system doesn’t just respond to what’s happening now. It also reacts to what felt similar in the past. A raised eyebrow, a long pause, or a certain tone of voice can trigger stored memories of disconnection or fear.

Somatic therapy helps couples learn to:

• Recognize when they are activated or shutting down
• Track body-based signals like tension, numbness, or tightness
• Use grounding tools and breath practices to return to the present
• Speak and listen from a more embodied, regulated place

Healing Happens in the Body, Not Just in the Mind

In my work with couples, we use somatic and trauma-informed practices to support real repair. That means slowing down, noticing when shame or fear takes over, and learning how to co-regulate—together.

We explore:

• How each partner protects themselves from vulnerability
• What gets blocked when shame is in the room
• How to speak truthfully without triggering collapse or defensiveness
• What it takes to build enough safety for emotional and physical intimacy

You’re Not “Bad at Relationships.” You’re Learning to Feel Safe.

When we view conflict through a trauma-informed lens, it becomes clear that most couples aren’t broken—they’re just doing their best with what their nervous systems learned.

With the right support, couples can:

• Pause instead of react
• Soften instead of shut down
• Ask instead of assume
• Reconnect instead of repeat the cycle

Interested in Exploring This Work?

If you’re ready to experience couples therapy that honors your full story—including your nervous system, your past, and your present—I’d be honored to support your process.

Visit the Couples Therapy page on my website or reach out for a consultation to learn more.

Many people in today’s society have likely heard or participated in behaviors surrounding health and fitness. However, a fixation on health, fitness, and restrictive or “clean eating” is a significant problem in our society today. It often leads to disordered eating. It is almost impossible to avoid some exposure to ideas and themes in today’s media, social media, and exercise studios around dieting and exercise. Terms such as: “clean eating,” a “whole foods” approach to dieting, diets like the Paleo diet, 30 days, 50 days, or 100 days of “real food” cookbooks. The culture and recipes have become so commonplace that many of us do not even fully understand the definition of this type of eating or what “clean eating” really is — let alone the negative consequences ensued by the bombardment of these themes.

We see hashtages littered over social media such as: #cleaneating #bodybuilding #eatclean #shredded #nutrition #supplements #lifting #gym #gymlife #fitspo #fitlifestyle

Seems Innocent Enough, But Can It Be A Bad Thing?

Many individuals develop an array of symptoms that we as clinicians and mental health practitioners call Orthorexia. Orthorexia is a term coined by Steven Bratman, MD in 1996, who started to use this term with patients that were obsessed with their health. Although the current diagnostic manual (the DSM-5), does not recognize this as a stand alone disorder, those who suffer from Orthorexia are similarly impacted as those are from Anorexia Nervosa. Instead of being focused on calories and weight loss, Orthorexia often starts with individuals being consumed by diet and exercise, and consuming only “healthy” foods. Eventually, food choices become so restrictive in both variety and calories they can lead to significant weight loss. Orthorexia can result in various medical conditions too, including cardiac complications and bone loss. Often, those obsessed with health and fitness can slowly rid their lives of balance and social connection, which impairs relationships and physical health. Individuals feel a sense of shame, depression, and self-loathing when they fail to meet the demands of “clean eating,” which contributes to less overall satisfaction of life.

Over the years in my practice, I have seen the focus of “health and fitness” change from one theme to another, leaving patients more restrictive, sad, and ashamed. Documentaries such as: Forks Over Knives and Fed Up, have only succeeded in fueling the focus on diet and restrictive food choices that lead to potential disordered eating.

One common theme I encounter in my practice is that clients struggle with coming to terms that they truly have a disorder or problem. The conflict arises from the fact “clean eating,” fad diets, fitness, and exercise is not only endorsed, but praised by our society.

My goal and belief as a clinician is one of balance.

By restoring and relearning how to trust our bodies to know what they need clients can achieve an inner peace that decreases the need for obsessive dieting, exercise, and a focus on body image. If someone you know is suffering from what you believe may be disordered eating or an eating disorder, please visit: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support for more information.

Eating disorder symptoms and presentations vary from individual to individual, among age groups and gender, and may present differently depending on the type of eating disorder that your loved one may have. Keep in mind that these are general behaviors to look for, and that there may be other causes for significant weight loss. Always encourage your loved one to check with a medical professional so that any dangerous medical conditions can be ruled out. In addition, the onset and progression of eating disorders can present in various ways. I have broken up these signs and symptoms into somewhat general categories. Read More…

I recently read an interesting article by Dr. Michael Katz in Body Image, April 20th, 2011 titled: “Confusion about Family-Based Treatment (FBT) of Eating Disorders.” I was drawn to the subject of this article, as it addressed the difficulties for parents seeking treatment for their teenagers and children who suffer from eating disorders. Dr. Michael Katz referenced the work of James Lock, MD, PhD, professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at Stanford, and psychiatric director of the Comprehensive Eating Disorders Program at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital at Stanford. Lock’s study, which was published on Oct. 4, 2010 in the Archives of General Psychology, compared the treatment of anorexia using individual treatment versus treatment involving the whole family, or what Lock calls “FBT”. Read More…